1/27/2011 8:36 PM
Want Good Relationships? Create Good Relationship Goals!
The first step in creating great relationships is in knowing what you want. I know this sounds obvious, but most people forget this simple step. Goals help you make good choices when meeting a potential friend, lover, employee or business partner.
Goal Problem #1: Having No Goals
Many people have no goal. They accept whatever comes their way. This is like buying a plot of land for a garden and waiting to see what sprouts up. You might end up with something good or you might end up with weeds. As any good farmer would tell you; you first decide what kind of crop you want to grow- this is your goal. Then find some land that will support that crop. Pick the right seeds. Take care of it. And enjoy the harvest!
Goal Problem #2: Letting Your Reactions Create Your Goal
Some people let their reactions in the moment override their real relationship goals. Their fear, neediness, anger or frustration takes over. When you follow a reaction, you might get brief satisfaction, but it will never solve the problem.
It’s time to go home and your boss throws down a last minute job. You think, “What a jerk! I’m not going to let her treat me that way!” Your real goal is not to tell her she is a jerk. That’s just a reaction. Your real goal is to keep your job, to be treated with respect and to be able to leave work when it’s time to go home.
Goal Problem #3: Having Unrealistic Goals
Sometimes your goal is not realistic. Imagine you are a farmer and want to grow pineapples. If you are a smart farmer, you’ll look for land where the climate and soil have a good chance of growing pineapple plants. You are not going to buy land in Alaska. But this is exactly what many people do. They ignore the obvious and try to make their relationship dreams come true with someone where there is little or no chance of it working.
Do you have unrealistic goals? Gather the data and get a clue. You know it is a bad situation, one that has only a small chance of fulfilling your relationship goals and yet you still feel an urge to pursue it. If this happens to you, it may be that you are being driven by an unconscious urge to recreate a childhood situation to resolve the past. At first glance, most people do not see the parallels between their current situation and the past.
Goal Problem #4: Forgetting Your Long Term Goals.
Before you act, ask yourself, will this help me reach my immediate and my long term relationship goals? A parent with the goal of developing confidence in her child will approach the issue of unfinished house chores differently that a parent who doesn’t think about these things. A wife whose goal is to have a loving marriage will think twice about correcting her mate at a dinner party when he gets the date of their anniversary wrong in the midst of telling a funny story. People who neglect their long term goals may end up doing quick fixes instead of using approaches that build a solid foundation for the future.
A good goal solves many relationship problems. For many people just having a relationship goal gives them the clarity they need to make better relationship choices.
"A goal properly set is halfway reached." - Abraham Lincoln
Here are The Key Questions to help assess your relationship goals. Many people find that by simply following these goal guidelines they start making changes in their relationships.
The Key Questions:
- What is my goal?
- Is my goal real or reaction?
- Is my goal realistic?
- Is my goal based on fantasy and feelings, or on fact?
- What are my short term and long term goals?