5/19/2012 12:22 AM
Written by Evan Katz
My job as a dating coach is to look for patterns.
If I notice that you meet very few men in “real life” but refuse to date online, I’ll point out that it’s hard to fall in love if you only have three chances a year.
If I notice that being negative about dating will make you less desirable to a man, I’ll point it out and suggest you withhold your judgments.
If I notice that you’re holding out for a man who is spiritual, artistic, sensitive, emotionally available and makes $500,000 a year, I’ll point out that there are few creative types who are also alpha males in business and very few alpha males who are spiritual, artistic and available. You can either hold out for the handful that exist or adjust accordingly.
It only took three emails for me to notice a pattern in response to last week’s newsletter, which stated, in part:
“Who attracts more men, a 32 year old woman who wants children, or a 38 year old woman who wants children? The defense rests, your honor.”
While I thought I was simply stating an unfortunate, yet obvious, truth, a few readers had a different take on my email:
“This seems to fly directly in the face of the messages you put in your newsletters week after week. You can find love at any age! Don’t stop trying! Evan, dating sometimes sucks at 32, and 38. Some 32 year olds look like they are 40. Some 38 year olds look like they are 32. If you are going to tell us that at 38 it’s harder to meet a man than at 32 who wants to have a family, why exactly am I reading your blog?"
“You always stress not to be shallow, but that’s shallow, and you make it sound like you have to be under 40 to find the love of your life, otherwise you’ve missed the boat. I’m a 47-year-old professional woman, built like I’m 25, and look 35…According to many of my male friends in their 30's and 40's, a man wants to date someone who is visually appealing, but a 47-year-old who is fit and pretty is much more appealing than a 25-year-old who is overweight and average-looking.
But what these men ALL had in common is that they all said the same thing, which is that an intelligent man wants to date his intellectual and social equal, not some younger empty shell of a woman, and that looks eventually take second place to other qualities. You don’t give me much hope.”
“What you said in today’s email scared the heck out of me b/c that is my greatest fear right now (which I worry about practically every day)... Absolute best case scenario I would be 39 before I had children, and even THAT is considered a later age for having a baby (generally speaking, and certainly by your comments too)
Are you saying that a woman 40, or 41, or thereabouts, has almost no chance of finding a great, attractive husband, who also WANTS CHILDREN... b/c of her older ''maternal age''? That most men won’t even put that age into their search profile
Would so few men (who want kids) be interested? Would so little give it a shot? And/or would I be left with only the tiny percentage of men who might accept me, but who are the ''leftovers'', and are of lower caliber than the other men?
I realize it’s the *reality* that men will want younger women if they want a family, so I’m not asking you to sugar-coat anything... but the situation looks so grim, and even quite dire, for me…I don’t know what to do or what I can expect... and I am DESPERATE to have a family too, just like EVERY OTHER woman (and most men) out there.... it’s so unfair, I didn’t ask for this to happen to me... “
So first of all, allow me to take a second to acknowledge the truth in what these brave women had to share with me.
Hearing my words – especially put so bluntly – can be dispiriting and annoying, and trigger feelings of fear, despair, and anger.
I honor you for pushing through those feelings and continuing to read my weekly newsletters.
Because the one thing you know about me is that I tell you the unvarnished truth about men, no matter how unfair or disappointing it may be.
To be clear, I did NOT say, as Pamela and Ivana suggested, that older women are inherently less attractive than younger women. As the husband of a nearly-42-year-old woman, that would be both inaccurate and foolish.
I also did not say, as Suzanne suggested, that she’s got almost “no chance” of finding love and having a family.
All I said is that men who want to have their own biological children generally prefer 32-year-old women to 38-year-old women.
This isn’t my opinion. This is a fact.
A woman in her 40s only has a 3-5% chance of getting pregnant per month, where a 30-year-old has approximately a 20% chance of getting pregnant per month.
Because of this statistic, it makes perfect logical sense for a man who wants his own kids to choose a younger partner who has greater odds for fertility.
You may not like this, but it doesn’t change that it’s true.
And if you still doubt that men care about fertility, go on Match.com and take a look at the age range of men who want to have kids. Actually, don’t bother. I just did it for you. Here’s the search criteria for 30-45-year-old men in LA who want kids:
Eye-opening, isn’t it?
Does that mean there are NO men who would consider a woman over 35?
Of course not! Remember, you’re talking to a man who married a 39-year-old and now has a baby girl.
My best friend from college also married a woman in her 40’s and they have a one year old.
My close friend in LA married a woman in her 40’s and they’re trying to conceive.
My client Karen is 42 and got married after working with me for 16 weeks in 2010.
My client Elizabeth is 39 and moving in with her boyfriend after working with me twice in the past three years.
Thus, the point of last week’s email wasn’t that it was impossible to find love if you’re 35+, but rather, it’s HARDER.
That’s why you have to TAKE ACTION NOW.
Any other inferences about me judging older women are simply false.
I married an older woman. I prefer the company of older women.
Almost ALL of my clients are older than I am. Most have a life-changing experience in working with me.
So, OF COURSE, I believe there’s hope.
However, it’s not my job to give you hope.
It’s my job to tell you the truth.
Let other people tell you that love will happen when you least expect it.
Let other people tell you that it’s just as easy to find a man at 40 as it is at 30.
Let other people tell you that the entire problem with dating is MEN.
None of the above are true and I’m not going to traffic in such lazy platitudes, no matter how much it would delight you to hear that you don’t have to worry about your age, you don’t have to put in any effort, and you don’t have to change a thing.
If, after months and months of reading my stuff, you’re ready to get serious about finding love…if you believe that this infuriating guy who writes these loooong emails actually knows what he’s talking about and wants to help you, do yourself a favor:
Get an inside look into how men think by picking up your copy of “Why He Disappeared – the Smart, Strong, Successful Woman’s Guide to Understanding Men and Keeping the Right One Hooked Forever.”
Click here to learn more about how men think.
You deserve the TRUTH, sophia and I will continue to deliver it to you, no matter how much it sometimes hurts to hear. This, I promise to you.
Warmest wishes and all my love,